I知 sorry. I知 so sorry. I知 so sorry I couldn稚 keep you alive. I知 sorry I never got to feel you kick and move inside me. I知 sorry I never got to see your picture through my tummy or hear your heartbeat. I知 so sorry you didn稚 get a chance to live and be born and breathe the air and see the sun. I知 sorry I never got to meet you. I知 sorry you didn稚 get to meet your daddy. I知 sorry for everything.

But.

I love you. I love you so much. I loved you the moment I knew you were there. I was scared yes, but my love was instant and complete. And I only would have loved you more.

But.

Know that I値l love you forever. And soon I値l be able to forgive myself for losing you. And when that happens, I値l think of you less and less. And each time I think of you, I probably won稚 cry. And maybe someday I値l be blessed with another baby. And that baby will be just as special and unique as you would have been. And I値l love it with all my heart. Just like I love you.

But.

Baby? When all that happens, when I move on, it won稚 mean I have forgotten you, or that I have stopped loving you. I never will. I値l love you forever. It was love that made you.

Love,

Mommy

It took me a long time to sit down and write something about my first pregnancy and how we lost it. I wrote it out guilt, love and a need for closure. It's exactly how I feel. I read it every night when I go to sleep. At first reading it made me howl in pain. But now I read it and feel the lump in my throat; I smile sadly and tuck it away under my pillow.